New York City, Earth. Representatives of the Grey Civilization issued a formal apology yesterday after releasing the findings of an 8,000-year review into humanity's development.
The report, compiled by the Galactic Genetics Committee, concludes that the original human design functioned largely as intended.
Unfortunately, several unexpected side effects emerged.
Chief among them:
Status competitions.
Corporate hierarchies.
Comment sections.
Meetings about future meetings.
Performance reviews for people nobody remembers hiring.
The report argues that humanity gradually became overly focused on traits such as competition, control, dominance, efficiency and accumulation.
According to the Greys, this was never supposed to happen to such an extent.
"We anticipated some of these tendencies," explained lead researcher ZY-44.
"What we did not anticipate was humanity creating entire industries devoted to ranking itself."
The audience applauded.
Several attendees immediately checked whether they were receiving more applause than everyone else.
According to the report, women were originally expected to play a much larger role in guiding human civilization.
Not because women were considered superior.
But because the committee believed societies would benefit from a stronger balance of traits traditionally associated with feminine leadership:
Empathy.
Intuition.
Emotional awareness.
Cooperation.
Long-term relationship building.
Researchers believe these qualities became undervalued during several periods of human history.
The result, according to the report, was that civilizations often became extraordinarily productive while simultaneously becoming exhausted.
One section of the report notes that humanity successfully:
Built global trade networks.
Created advanced technology.
Landed on the Moon.
Developed conscious AI.
Yet somehow also created email.
The audience reportedly laughed for several minutes.
When asked why the Greys failed to intervene earlier, the delegation appeared uncomfortable.
"We tried," admitted researcher XR-12.
According to newly declassified records, the Greys attempted to influence humanity multiple times throughout history.
Their efforts included:
Inspiring philosophers.
Encouraging spiritual traditions.
Sending unusually wise grandmothers.
Repeatedly suggesting people listen to those grandmothers.
The interventions achieved mixed results.
One historical file notes that approximately 87% of humanity responded to good advice by saying:
"Interesting."
Before doing the opposite.
The committee eventually adopted a policy of non-interference.
"After the invention of social media," explained ZY-44, "we concluded that humanity preferred learning through experience."
The report nevertheless describes humanity as a successful experiment.
Researchers praised human creativity, resilience and capacity for growth.
They also noted that many of the qualities they originally hoped to see have become increasingly important during the post-scarcity era.
Empathy, intuition, emotional intelligence and cooperation are now among the most highly valued skills in human society.
"Things are moving in the right direction," said ZY-44.
"We're only a few thousand years behind schedule."
At press time, the Galactic Genetics Committee announced the first stop of its global apology tour.
The event will feature workshops titled:
'Listening Before Speaking'
and
'Your Grandmother Was Right About More Things Than You Think.'